Half a dozen of the other

OK, my last post was panicked.  Very panicked.  But I am feeling better.  Sorry if I alarmed anyone.  I am not usually a drama queen but this cycle is making me into one!

The clinic called.  There are 11 eggs on the go, but many are not going to develop.  They believe that I will have between 4 and 6 to work with.  And they believe that I will be triggered either monday or tuesday.  Also, they have dropped my G*nal F dose to 262.5, down from 300 to keep it slow and steady and not get too much on the go.

 I feel so happy!  Not only will we get to do an IUI (And NOT have to do an IVF) but I will be triigered around day 15 or 17 of my cycle.  That is MIRACULOUS compared to my usual which is ovulation around day 24…  Maybe it will help the egg quality too…  I hope!

 So off we go to M*ntreal tonight…  It will be a good way of keeping my mind off things! 

Oh, and thanks for the questions…  I will answer them very soon.  And please feel free people, to keep them coming…

This morning I went in for the monitoring and the technician spent a good 15 minutes wanding, pointing, and clicking. I made a lighthearted joke about being on a treasure hunt (her, not me) and she divulged that she found AT LEAST 11 eggs on the go. She couldn’t confirm much, and I have not heard the official word from the clinic (including b/w results) but I am silently freaking out here. I know that I have been open to the whole “convert to IVF thing but that was when it was still in theory. When it made me feel empowered and in control. Not when it filled me with fear and realization that somehow, no matter what, there is stress in the near future. Stress that the cycle will be cancelled, that I will have to have IVF, that something bad could happen to me (and my ovaries). Every twinge I feel (and I feel many) are filling me with fear. I keep seeing that image on the u/s monitor and while I always thought it would make me feel happy, it actually felt freakish and made me feel sad. I can’t figure out why. The psychology of this is crazy. I should be thrilled. Except that I am terrified. Of what this will mean. And I am supposed to be heading out of town tonight for a couple of nights at the ‘rents and this might stymie that plan (which wouldn’t be the end of the world I suppose). I am hoping that when the clinic calls they will be able to make me feel calmer in all of this. Seriously hoping…

I won’t do it officially, because I can’t.   There is no reason to set myself up for failure, so I know that napoblomo (or HOWEVER you spell it) is not for me. BUT, I CAN make a concerted effort to think more, write more, and read more (for those doing more writing).  So hopefully I will be around more. 

Today is my CD 9.  I have been on injectibles 4 nights.  Only unusual feeling I am having is some hot flashes.  I am happy, hoppy, hopeful.  I head back to the clinic on thursday.  Still injecting 300 iu of the drug.  Everytime I do it, I think– “enjoy this shot– it costs $750″.  It makes me SICK to think about.   And in my 900 pen, which I get all of 3 shots from, there is about 1.5 inches of meds.  That’s it.  Its unbelieveable how much the drug companies get out of this.  Off people’s misery, their longing, their despair.  I don’t know what people without drug coverage do.  I really don’t.

Anyway, maybe I should appeal to the people that read this blog, (both known to me, and unknown to me) and do what some others of you have done:  give you a chance to ask me questions.  So go for it– ask any, as many as you want and I will try and answer.  These slow, lazy hazy days of autumn leave me with coming-hibernation brain.  Its making it hard for me to think of things to write about.  And being in the stim part of my cycle makes the TTC talk non-existent. 

So go ahead, and ask away!

I have been thinking about the relationship between my preparing for the worst and my ultimate success.  It seems the more I worry, the easier “whatever I was worried about” actually is.  And the less I think about something/worry, the more taken aback I am when said event comes and knocks me off my feet.  This has happened over and over again and it seems that I almost rely on the worrying as a talisman, a protection from the worst.  Almost as if I worry about the present enough, when I face that which I most fear, it really won’t be that bad after all.  Jen thinks worrying is a trait either indigenous of my culture or my family.  I think its my self protection mechanism.

This weekend is a perfect illustration of this relationship.  I have stressed, my whole life, about shots and since my IF journey began, worried CONSTANTLY about having to start injectibles.  Its been a totally pre-occupying force.  Then the weekend began.  I began my G*nal F injections friday night and it was so much better then I ever imagined.  Belive it or not, I really truly don’t feel a thing.  I still can’t bear to stick myself (its a psycholgical issue, trying to stab oneself) and am convinced it will kill if I do it.  But when it’s Jen?  Nada.  In fact yesterday I forgot to pull out the back of the pen, and she stuck me and then realized she couldn’t do the ‘ole “click, click, click” and had to take it out, and re-stick me once the pen was set.  And I didn’t feel either at all.  And now it seems much less daunting. 

And the H1*N1 vaccine which I barely thought about?  Yikes.  I STILL can;t lift my arm.  We ALL came down with mild flu-like symptoms for almost 2 days (one of the recorded side effects).  I think my worry was somewhat displaced. 

Another think I should have worried about, but didn’t?  The bloody halloween party (no pun intended).  It was crazy and chaotic and way too many people were there and I felt insane and like I needed some serious therapy after.  The amazing chinese vegetarian resto I went with a friend to afterwards was a nice consolation, but the party was brutal.  Esp. with the post-innoculation sickies.  Ugh.  BUT, the kids were cute and the snacks were spooky and the kids seemed to have fun.  Which is the point, I suppose.

I have been on these injectibles and clomid for 3 days.  I am waiting for word on if they are doing anything at all.  Maybe if I worry about it all morning, thinks will turn out the way I want then to…  I know its only been a few days and they expect me to be on them for 10-12 days, so I know there’s probably not much happening, but a girl can hope…

The swimmers have been freed.  Hooray!  Well, technically they have not been freed, but are legally ALLOWED to be accessed.  So here we are!  The plan is falling into place, piece by piece.

I had my CD 5 monitoring today.  My progesterone is still high as is my E2.  I have cycled that way in the past on the evil C and its been ok (3-4 follicles).  So I had the option of sitting out this cycle so the #’s drop back to normal.  As if.  Do they really think I am willing to miss an opportunity?  No chance!  So, I am hoping that with the G*nal F I will respond just as well, if not better then the evil C, despite the elevated levels. 

I am terrified of all the things I can’t control this cycle (whether the hormones will throw everything off, whether the spermcicles will thaw and be alive, whether I will make any eggs on these drugs etc…) But I am also happy to get the ball rolling.  Monday will be the day of reckoning– We’ll see if there is any reaction at all to the injectibles.  Right now I am on a dose of 300 (that means 3 shots out of my 900 pen).  Does anyone know if that is low, medium or high?

To make the time pass, we are planning a halloween extravaganza.  I think I may be an insane person– I have 30 costume clad pre-schoolers and their parents joining us for pre-trick-or-treating celebrations.  As in pining the spider on a web, eating mummy dogs and bobbing for apples (in their own little pots– the H1 N1 era has affected my party planning!).  I am also making a fish-bowl jello treat with choco-rock gravel and gummy fish suspended in blue jello (I know it sounds gross.  But this is a treat for the “ketchup crowd” and their tastes are not so refined).  I can’t wait for the year I get to make kitty litter cake! (ever seen this?  Its AWESOME!)  The kids won’t “get it” yet, but I hope soon!  I also am making devilled egg ghosts and cream cheese and soya nut butter sandwiches in the shape of bones and hands.  Oh, and “guts and eyeballs” (spaghetti and meatballs).  I am more excited than M, that’s for sure!  And I have my work cut out for me tonight and tomorrow.  Esp because its going to rain.  And 30 kids and their ‘rents equals roughly 80 people.  In my little 3 bedroom semi-detached home.  Yikes.   I am borderline terrified.

Let the self-injections and gummy-product consumption begin!*

*My favorite halloween treats are gummy in nature.  I love the nasty gelatin products.  its one of the reasons I made such a bad vegetarian.  Well, that and sausage.

My 100th blog post came and went with no fanfare whatsoever.  I didn’t realize I had that many entries–  I feel like I just started yesteraday!!

On a totally unrelated note, I have a fridge with 2 G*nal F pens, and a Cetr*tide box.  I have no spermcicles, but my donor is in north america until december which gives me ample time to use the goods, ovulate, fly him here and inseminate (fresh, DIY insem).  IF the universe is smiling down upon me and IF the spermcicles are freed from their icy prison in time, then we can do and IUI AND top it up fresh.  So we have a best case and a worse case scenario.  I am just so happy to have a scenario at all!  And a fridge filled with my first installments of injectibles (My clinic doesn’t give them to you all at once– you keep getting them based on the outcomes of the monitoring.)  And the cherry on top?  I got to talk to my Dr who just happened to be there when I was monitoring and he said he did not feel IVF would be necessary and that he wanted to avoid it at all costs.  He seemed to think that the injectibles would be enough, if we waited 3 cycles.  I told him there is NO WAY I would wait 3 cycles (because that is 6 months when you factor in the rest cycles) and that if this doesn;t work, and if we try on the rest cycle and IT doesn’t work then in the new year we are going for IVF.  Its enough already.  And he was fine with that.

I feel in control of things (well, except the release of simmers-on-the-rocks) and like that there hope this cycle.  I am pleased to join pals Olive and Poppy as in the land of “well at least SOMETHING is happening”.  I am pleased that sitting idly is over.  That we are in the action part of the cycle.  That possibilities are open, and that hope creeps in, slowly, and unexpectedly, but it has replaced the despair and helplessness feelings.

It helped take the sting out of the “congrats” e-mail I just sent a friend (whom I have been out of touch with) on the baby she is expecting in december.  She may be having a baby, but I have a plan!  Who knew how much pleasure I would get out of sticking myself full of needles!  and the plan is that it starts tomorrow on CD 5 (my progesterone was too high still on CD 3 so I had a brief reprieve).

Here I go!

Its CD 1

I am starting injectibles in T minus 2 days (probably on cd3)

The spermcicles have not gotten the rubber stamp of approval yet from whomever at the Govt bureaucracy.

If the approval doesn’t come in in time for me to start the drug regimen, there will be no cycle this month (too risky to start the drugs with a chance that the sperm won’t be released in time).  That’s right– I have not tried since August and will not get to try for another one of my monstrously long cycles, if that happens. 

It turns out the only thing I hate more than having to leave things up to the “universe” is having to leave them up to civil servants.  The paperwork was submitted almost 6 weeks ago.  6 WEEKS PEOPLE!  That’s right, rubber stamp man, sitting in your cubicle eating donuts, I am talking to YOU.  GET ON IT! 

I am feeling angry and helpless and hopefull all at once.  Its like an emotional fruit salad.  Ok bad analogy.  Anyone have a better one?

IF we get the sperm released in time, and IF I start the meds, I WILL be going aggressive.  As in not conservative.  As in bring on the eggs, baby!  I am scared sh*tless about the needles, and what my ovaries may do, etc… 

I have been practicing “fake injections” with my toothbrush, so I am ready when the real thing arrives.  But don’t worry, with the back end, not the bristles side.  So if you happen to be peeping in my bathroom window at night and see me japping my bellyfat with a toothbrush you will know that its a totally normal and healty activity.  Or something like that.

Can you shout out at the universe (and the bureaucray with me?)  PLEASE FREE THE GOODS! (oops, originally typed free the gods– glad I caught that one!)  I will not feel better till I know we are all systems go…

Ok, so I am freaking out right now. On so many levels. Just got back from injection lessons at the clinic. Wow. Its complicated—much harder than I thought. The Ovadr*l is straight forward. But then there’s the cetr*tide—yikes! That whole chemist thing does not work well with me… And I believe that the G*nal F pen should come with a pre-requisite degree! And if I screw up and dial in too high a dose I have to rely on my math skills! That is also terrifying. I wish I was listening more in grade school. Oh, and I hate the clicking sound of the pen plunger, and how hard you have to push to get the clicks to happen. I hate the thought of that needle in my flesh (and not in the blue squishy cube the tech kept called “blue Alex”) I hate that I have had to get here at all. Oh, and I hate that I am such a baby.

So then, the lovely tech, tells me I need to decide how aggressive we want to be. If we aim conservatively there is a chance not much will happen. Although its unlikely because I am a crazy responder in general. But there is that chance. If we go for very aggressive, there is a chance the cycle would have to convert to an IVF, for medically necessary reasons (too many eggs that can’t be ovulated). Yikes. But, if it does, then the price would drop by half, because our public health care would cover the cost of some of it (from $6300 to $3700—the drugs are totally covered under my drug plan). So, what do we do? Go conservative to give IUI a chance before being more aggressive on the dosage? Or just go big so we can go home already?

But this was never part of our plan! Jen was supposed to be the donor, and I, just the carrier! I am terrified of retrieval. TERRIFIED. I am also scared that I am being unnecessarily interventionist out of impatience (oh, and that INTENSE longing and desire for another child too). The drug regiment is identical either way. Same number of needle pokes (if you don’t count retrieval). Marginally more expensive in terms of dosing , although I don’t pay for the drugs anyway. And somehow, the possibility of doing an IVF cycle for $3700 seems like a good “bad” outcome if I respond too strongly and am over stimulated… I am in shock. I feel like I have been walking down a path for a long time, a familiar one with twists and turns and bumps and all of a sudden a bridge appears out of nowhere and the path veers off in a different direction. Do I cross the bridge? What do I do? I am appealing to you my clear-minded blog friends. What would you do? Have you had IVF? If so, how horrible was the whole experience and more specifically retrieval (tell me for real—don’t mince words—I need to know what I am dealing with)? How painful was it at all the stages? Do you think I should go conservative or take the risk with the bigger drug dose? If it ends up having to be an IVF cycle I will lose the possibility of having a bio baby of Jen’s which I have gotten very used to and happy with conceptually. Any frosties left over would be biologically of me. And there is some sadness that comes with it… But it will save us between $7000-$8000 if this happened…

And of course, my first choice is a pregnancy with IUI, which is what we would be aiming for through all of this anyway. Its just a real possibility that it could be converted and if so, I need to be 100% ready emotionally. Its crazy to me that it could be possible that I could be undergoing IVF in as little as 3 weeks! Slim chance, but a possibility nonetheless.

Oy.

Help?

- I watched M paint his 30 lb pumpkin pink and black.  His version of the jack-o-lantern

- I have been away from my desk, on the road for work for more than a week and therefore have not had as much time for blog land. And I have missed it so much.  I feel a little lost and lonely.  And sad that even though I have been keeping up with you guys (struggling but just getting by) I have not commented.  I am sorry– I have so much I want to say to each of you and am not sure where to start.  I just have to jump in… 

- My wisdom tooth was removed today.  I gabbed on the phone, watched TV and flew, high as a kite on Tylen*l 3’s. 

- I read this post  that had my eyes well with tears of happiness and my heart swell with hope.  The biggest congrats EVER to tbean at Little Turtle…

- One of my closest, oldest friends has just told me she is pregnant and I actually felt happy for her.  I was able to put aside my dismay and most of the “its just not fair” stuff I thought I would feel.  Its not quite an oops baby, but pretty close.  And this is not the friend from my last “woe is me” post, but a long distance friend I struggled through infertility with– she has PCOS too…  I am so happy for her that it was so much faster and easier this time.  I guess us infertiles can SOMETIMES catch a break. 

- I am half way through my pr*metri*m perscription which means my period is between 1 and 3 weeks away.  And my spermcicles are approved for release pending a rubber stamp by some very senior bureaucrat.  And on Wed I have my “how to shoot yourself up with fertility drugs” class at the clinic.  Its a private lesson– me, Jen, and Mrs. self- injection teacher.  I am not looking forward to it.  I just keep telling myself its no big deal to self inject.  Yikes. 

- I saw Wh*p it this weekend.  What a fun movie.  Made me wish I could roller derby.  As if.  But I did feel pumped about girls and extreme sport afterwards.

- I have started to excercise somewhat more regularly again.  As if that should make the news feed of my lately life.  But since its kept me away from the blogosphere and consumed so many of my evenings lately, I will say it.  I have started doing aquafit at least a couple of nights a week and have been enjoying it thoroughly.  Despite the fact that I am often the only non-geriatric.  But, it has so far proven to be a great workout and the best remedy to the reason I hate exercise:  I get so incredibly hot I am uncomfortable.  Sounds like I am a wimp, but I am a really hot person to begin with and working out makes it much worse– It actually makes me really not want to work out.  So aquafit is the perfect solution.  And I have also started working out at the gym at work which I don’t enjoy that much but have decided that a couple of times a week at the pool and a time or 2 at work and I will actually become a person who exercises.  We’ll see how it all works out…

I hope that you all don’t disown me for being so much in the background but know I am thinking of you guys and reading…  I hope that I will get into more of a rhythm and am able to be around more…