Half a dozen of the other

I am slowly emerging from this week’s funk.  It was so bad.  So very very bad.  I have almost never felt like that before (just when horrible, unthinkable things have happened, like when I lost my first baby).  I am wondering if it was coming down off the drugs.  Although I had already been off them over a week.  Hormonally driven, or injustice-of-it-all driven, or just self-pitying driven, it doesn’t really matter.  But I am glad to be coming out the other side.  Because it felt more awful then I have in a very long time.

I had a teaching moment yesterday.   Maybe it’s actually called a learning moment.  Anyway, you know, one of those moments where you think maybe the universe is trying to tell you something.  And in it all, I really turned around.  You see, I used to work with this girl we will call A.  I didn’t work in the same place as her, but, we had a worked in the same sector and we interacted quite a bit.  We did not see eye to eye on things always, and had our share of run-ins.

Anyway, yesterday I was co-facilitating a public consultation and I saw her slip into the room.  My stomach dropped when I saw what was visibly a very pregnant belly on her.  I couldn’t stop thinking about it– it was so distracting.  There were almost 80 people in the room, and still it was like everywhere she went, she stood out, just enough to draw my eyes to her.  I contemplated not going over to say hello (which would have been very possible, given the sheer number of people and my responsibilities of the day) because I was worried that I could not appear genuine.  I don’t think I need to share what was going through my mind, the raging, the sadness, blah blah blah.  I am even boring myself on these self-pitying rant days.  So back to the story. 

I went to get coffee and bam, she is there, right next to me, telling another participant (who asked her how far along she was) that she was due in April.  With twins.  I perused the muffins, and when I realized I had to say hello, I congratulated her.  She accepted my well-wishes s she poured her coffee and replied with, “It was not easy, its been a long, hard road.”  I was confused and she explained that she had been struggling with IF for years and been trying and that she was trying to break the barrier of shame around IF and to talk about it as if its normal.  My eyes welled with tears and once I pulled myself together a bit I thanked her for her honesty, and told her that I really appreciated her sharing that with me.  We got to talking and she talked about her IVF and I talked about what I was up to and we compared notes on our fertility clinics.  At the end of the convo I offered to lend her any of the stuff we have that she could need.  We traded business cards and went back to the session.

I walked away feeling hopeful and lighter than I had in a long time.  I was comforted by her honesty, and buoyed by her positive outcome.  I felt like it was going to be ok.  Because if it was for her, then it COULD be for me.  And the more I thought about it (because I am still railing from my BF’s news and somewhat consumed with how to be authentic and really there for her, how to not let my own struggle interfere with my happiness for her success) the more I realized what this was about for me.  It was about believing that its possible.  Its about seeing one of “us” succeed.  It is SO high time for US to start succeeding this way.  A’s pregnancy felt like MY victory.  OUR victory. 

I realized, I am ready to start celebrating US and OUR victories.  As in YOU guys.  I know so many of you are mid cycle or starting IVF, or are waiting for their bodies to do what they need to so they can get back on the bandwagon (I am a member of the latter group), but I have decided its OUR TURN.  We are cheering each other on, we are filled with hope.  And when One of my blog friends gets the BFP they have been waiting for, we celebrate in a different way.  I will eventually get over my issues with my BF.  I am getting there.  I am still not sure how to articulate my own need for her sensitivity around it all, but I am working on it.  BUT the pure joy I will feel when you, my long-distance, never-been-met, yet so very-there-for-me friends have that announcement to make, well, I already know what that feels like.  Because I have gotten to do it before, and its the best.  Because when its one of us, somehow its different.

I know its not MY thanksgiving (since I am Canadian) but I am thankful anyway.   And I want to say it.  Out loud.   I am thankful for the kind comments you sent my way this last cycle and the support you gave me when it ended, your comments and e-mails made it easier.  Made it less lonely.  Thankful that you are sharing with me, that we are sharing with each other, the details of our lives, and our struggles with IF.  It makes me feel so much less alone.  Not in a “misery loves company” way, but in a gratefulness for being trusted with your stories, with your journeys.  And of course, I am grateful for your friendship– the people that regularly comment and those that pop in and out and those that have only commented once.  And I can only hope that I am to you guys, what you are me.

Happy Thanksgiving to you, my american pals and readers…

I think anyone that had made it this far may deserve a medal…

I am in that very blue place.  That deep sadness that nothing can break through.  The sadness comes in waves but I am in a perpetual state of lost.  This last cycle, it hit me hard.  And where it counts.  And I am not sure why.  Maybe its coming down off the meds that’s the problem (I have heard that can happen).  Or maybe its just totally and completely justifyable despair over the last 2 years of trying and our current tally.

I raged at those geriatric sperm the other night, in bed, in the dark.  I whispered angry, rude monikers at Pav’s (KD) fellows, and jen tried to console me from her side of the bed (and the situation) but it was no use.  I started to worry– what if his stuff can’t work?  What if it takes IVF to figure that out?  And then we go through all of that for nothing?  The worst part is that Chip (KD2) has not frozen anything.  Which means we’ll be back at ground zero, unable to access ART supports.  Forced to do it at home.  I can’t think about it.  I just can’t.  It will break me apart.

Its been 3 or 4 days of this.  AF brought it on, a weekend with the daddies brought it on and its just settled in my bones.  For the first time ever, NOTHING has been able to make me happy.  I have not been distractable.  Just distraught.

And while waiting for the clinic to call this afternoon (was in for my CD4 baseline) my best friend (the one who’s wedding I mc’d this summer) called to ask me to aquafit.  I said no, (my mood is just not there) but maybe thursday.  She replied with, “that’s ok!  Guess what?  I have CRAZY news! (insert giggle).  My heart dropped and I almost puked.  Because you know what comes next.  After the congrats I know are necessary (because of course I am happy for her and I love her and that is not what this is about) I even manage dto listen to her talk about POAS 8 times, about how she is terrified, and thinking about the 9 months ahead.  I was totally congratulatory because I don’t want her to get even the slightest inkling of what is going on in my head.  she doesn’t deserve that.  But at the same time I just WISH she was a smidge more sympathetic given that she knows what the last 2 years have been like for us.  And this was just her 3rd try.

Oh, and did I forget to mention that my ovaries are still VERY FULL (as they were described by the RE) and have at least 3 sizeable cysts left over from the cycle.  This is a rest cycle (although there was always the possibility of it being a useable, non-medicated cycle) and I while I thought I may still be able to do an IUI, it sounds like the DR won’t, because of the giant ovaries.  Its like being punched in the gut.  because if we can’t, we won’t be doing anything until the new year.  I can’t even think about it.

It’s over.  The red that buoyed my hope yesterday has filled me with a sense of loss and sadness and rage today.  Because there’s a whole lot more of it, my temp is down,  and the HPT I took this am (in a fit of insanity– but at least it was a dollar store cheepie) was mockingly white.  I started to fear, for the first time in a long time, that maybe something is wrong with me, and that maybe, just maybe I will never be pregnant again.  I mean, if I make enough eggs to fill a commercial henhouse, how could NONE of them been it? 

So instead of dwelling (and thinking about how I am now suffering these massive ovaries and my resultingly squished peanut-sized bladder) I will go and work.  But not before I state, with amazement, that the outdoor skating rink, in the public square outside my office, has started being filled with ice.  By the end of the day it will be operational.  How in the world did I get here?  Its the end of November!  When did it get cold enough to facilitate wintersports?  And how is it that my 3 1/2 year old is still lifetimes away from a sibling?  Oops, I said I would stop.  So really I will.  Have a good weekend folks…

Spoke to the clinic and they said they thought it was just AF on its way.  They said that my progesterone was starting to rise already when they told me to inseminate.  So they did not think it would be much of a stretch for it to be game over already.  To me, its still a stretch, but thats just the hope speaking.  That would make CD 14 on Monday.  And today is thursday.  They also said my estrogen is starting to drop.  Which is to be expected if AF was coming… Progesterone is not a full drop, but not that high.

I let myself have a couple of hours of thinking that maybe it was finally my turn.  I wish I didn’t.  Sorry for dragging you along on the ride.

sigh.

I am glad that my default emotion in this TTC experience remains “hope”.  Whenever something happens, something that could signal either good things ahead (BFP) or bad ones (AF), the first place my mind goes is, “could this really be IT?  COuld it finally be happening to ME???”  My mind goes to that bad, sad place next, but like I said, its reflexive default is to hope.  To believe.  Despite a combined almost 4 years of TTC (between journey #1 and 2) I still instinctively go for hope first, each and every time.   And somehow, THAT ALONE makes me hopeful.

I wrote in an e-mail to Poppy earlier (hope its ok, Pops.  Oh, and I hope its ok I just called you pops!) and said “…I keep hoping and praying that the universe, or its driving force or whatever, will give me hint, something to hold on to, something to help me believe that this cycle will result in something.”  And that is how I usually spend these next 7 days (day 7-14 dpo).  Looking.  Hoping.  Holding on.

I am currently 9 (ish DPO).  My 1st insem was 9 days ago and my last, a mere 7.  I went to pee a minute ago and my CM had a decidedly pink tinge.  Next Wipe?  Yup, a tiny bit of spotting.  Definite.  Red.  There. 

You can guess where my mind is right now.  The next 5-7 days are going to be long ones.

Because my Dr told me to call him if I start bleeding before next wednesday, I called and the nurse sounded surprised.  Told me she’ll look into it and get back to me.  I am trying to ride the wave of hope even though every so often some of the OTHER seeps in (low progesterone?  My ovaries are exploding?)

SO here I am, hoping that what I have, is a little, red, cosmic message telling me its all going to be alright.

Ho hum…  Here I am, half way through this tww, hoping and wishing and riding the waves of emotion that it invariable sends my way.  I feel nothing.  Its been 7 full days since I inseminated the first time.  I am reminding myself that its too early to feel anything.  To early to hope in any real, tangible way.  To early to attribute anything I am feeling to anything other than giant, overworked ovaries, and the psychosomatic manifestation of my deepest desire.  Sigh.

So, instead, I bring the final installment of questions, thanks to Gayby Rabies (unless of course you have any more…  Which I would be very welling to answer…) :

1) Tell us about one crazy thing you believed as a child.

Hmmm, I guess it depends what you mean by “crazy”.   I never believed in typically crazy things, like monsters, or fairies…  I always believed if I wanted something badly enough I could and would have it.  I reasoned my way, manipulated my way, and talked my way into getting almost anything from anyone.  I always believed if I wanted “it” bad enough and worked hard enough, everything could be mine.  That was before I started TTC.  And probably contrinutes, to a great extent to the struggling I do around my inability to do ANYTHING to change the outcome around this (although I supposed that losing weight would help).

I guess if I was to classify “Crazy” as having to do with unorthodox thinking, it would mostly be superstitious acts.  Like knocking on wood, tempting the evil eye, beathing when driving past cemetaries (almost fainted once this way) and stuff like that.  I was VERY superstitious.  I also really believed in horoscopes (ok, ok, still do a bit) and took what they said very seriously.  I liked to use things like the “i ching” and other divination tools, to help predict the future.  I always wanted to believe that everything would be ok, and that if it wouldn’t, that somehow I could protect myself from it, if I was just prepared.  Enter horoscope/i ching reading etc…  If it warned me away from something then at least I could prepare emotionally.  I wish I could say I don’t STILL  consult my horoscope for shards of hope, or that I never turn to my i ching (I have a “woman’s” i ching which has wonderful beautiful imagery.  I highly recommend it to anyone interested), but that would not be true.  So maybe what I crazily believed then I kinda still believe now…

2) If you won a million dollars, how would you spend it?

I always said If I won the lottery, I would start a charitable foundation.  I would create a trust, live off some of the interest and give out grants to community groups with the rest.  Its what I always thought I would do, even before I got into this line of work.  Sadly a million dollars is not what it used to be, and I would probably need a few million more to be REALLY effective, but I am sticking with my plan…

3) If you were to win an award for something, what would it be?

Loyalty and diplomacy.  I am a very loyal person– to my friends, family, colleagues….  I have also been told I am very diplomatic and very good at conflict resolution and working different groups into working better together…

I went to pick M up from daycare on friday and he ran out of the class before I was ready to leave.  I gathered up his stuff and met him in the hall, by the front door, where he was talking to one of his teachers.  When I saw her she offered me her sincerest congratulations.  “Hmmm,” I asked, “for what?”  And she replied, “M told me he is going to have a little sister!”.  I reply, “Uh, not unless he knows something I don’t– you must have misunderstood.”  She laughed.  “Nope,” she asserted, “he has been talking about it all day and is very excited about it.”  She was shocked it wasn’t true.  I was mortified that I was even standing there having that conversation.  And as a well-padded woman, I could almost hear her say in her head, “OMG, that is not a pregnancy belly?  She really is THAT fat?”  (well, in French.  Since that is all they speak there).  I asked Morgan, in the car, why he said such a thing.  And his answer?  “I dunno.” 

It kills me that he asks for a sibling on an almost daily basis.  That every time he sees a baby he gets down to their level, looks in their eyes and plays with them so gently.  I feel like I am not only failing myself, Jen and the donors, but am failing my son.  Robbing him of the chance to be a big brother. 

I have not been able to stop thinking about this all weekend.  Its really been weighing so heavily on me.  The pain in my belly has subsided somewhat, and I am starting to feel more normal (except for a massive headache today).  I am thrilled to be feeling better and in that part of my cycle where I know I can’t be feeling anything so I don’t have to analyze all my sensations…

I wish this was easier.  I am hoping with every cell of my being that this month, this part of our adventure is over…

First off, I have OHSS.  The pain radiates from the very bottom of my torso right up to my ribcage.  When I bend, ouch.  When I reach, ouch.  When I yawn, ouch.  When I sneeze, OUCH.  I think you get the picture.  And I am not allowed to drink hardly anything at all.  I am hobbling around like an old lady and its embarassing.  All this and we just did a lousy fresh cycle.  No spermcicles, no IUI, no IVF– just the same crap I have unsuccesfully done a million times.  I am feeling blue about this cycle.  Blue about the debilitating pain (I couldn;t work most of this week, because sitting up hurt too much), blue about what the cycle turned into.  Blue that next time around I will have to double up on shots (I will be taking superf*ct to control the cycle).  Blue that there will most likely be a next time.  And blue that the next time is still 2 cycles away.  I don’t know why I have written off this cycle, but just have.  In my gut I feel like its a bust (and that is one sore, if not prophetic gut).  I know I should stop and employ some positive thinking but its so hard to.

And to make matters worse, I got a speeding ticket.  And when I went to get the insurance it was not in the glove compartment which meant a SECOND ticket.  So now the lousy cops get my $200.  And I feel like shit.  And really, it wasn’ t my fault.  But I won’t get into it.  It makes me feel too cranky.

We are dog sitting a beautiful chocolate lab for the weekend (my neighbour’s) and I am psyched about that.  Looking forward to having the weekend and some time to recoup from this long, hard week.  And hoping the pain subsides soon…

Now to get to a few more questions…  Still working through the ones from Olive…

Do you have a life philosophy or closely held beliefs that guide you through life?

Hmmmm, that is a tricky one.  I don’t have any really explicit ones, but I will give it a try.  I really believe that everything is purposeful.  As in, there is a reason for everything that happens, good or bad.  My whole TTC experience and coping mechanism is deeply rooted in this belief.  Its what made/makes me really, truly, believe that one day, I will understand why this was my journey.  TTC #1 really showed me that.  And Its what keeps me putting one foot in front of the other as we try for our second child.  And stemming from the above philisophy, I believe that, when faced with a decision (do I switch jobs?  Do I take part in some event?  Do I call someone on their behaviour) there is no RIGHT decision to make.  All important life decisions take us down different paths but there is good and bad that comes from all of them. 

Other things I believe/ live by?  I don’t believe in rushing, I don’t believe in being late.  I believe in taking responsibility for ones actions, and I believe in working hard so you can play without a thought of work.  Don’t know if these count…

Tell us about your favorite foods.

My favorite foods can be divided into good, bad, and downright trashy.  Good favorites are: Most dark leafy greens (steamed with lemon and garlic), raw fish (as in sushi), tempeh that is cooked crisp, most meat off the BBQ, homemade gnocchi (just mastered this and Oy…), anything smothered in hot sauce (the buffalo tasking one), and ethiopian food (specifically lamb tibs and the very rare beef called kitfo).  Oh, and anything with tzatziki on it.  But it has to be the really good, thick, garlic-y kkind.  I also love good tomatoes.  But they are so hard to find out of season.  And in the summer, fresh cherries rock my world.  Seriously and majorly.  As do fresh, tree-ripened peaches.  Oh and dim sum.  Can’t forget dimsum.

As for the bad:  ice cream.  But it has to be good ice cream, and I prefer the flavours with pieces in them, you know, ice cream I can really chew.  I also love french fries, but only the fresh kind.  The ones that are a deep brown colour.  And I esp love them if they have the skins on.  And I love cake.  A lot.  But it has to be iced, and a regular flavour like vanilla or chocolate.  I will also tolerate marble.  And I like good, but not to thick icing.  Of course, I have a special spot in my heart for cupcakes, the cutest food in the cake family…

So I have covered the good and the bad (as in health factor) and now, for my trashy favorites?  I love marshmallows.  There, I said it.  I have admitted it.  I actually love anything with a gummy consistancy.  Gummy bears, sour keys etc (I love sour candy especially).  I love eating a couple of spoonfuls of M’s mac and cheese, right out of the pot, when he is not looking.  I really enjoy chicken wings on occasion (and their classier, so not-quite-trashy category, ribs)  I like them best home made and oven baked and slathered in the hot sauce I referred to above. 

I think you now realize that I love food.   I love to eat and I get a lot of pleasure from eating.  I try and be moderate, and mostly focus on the good list, but when I feel trashy and bad I clearly have some good stand-ins…

What’s your ideal realistic vacation and what’s your dream vacation?

Hmmmm this has changed since M.  I used to love picking a place and getting a million books about it and reading all about it and planning all these different things and packing my trip with adventure.  And now?  Not so much.  Its not that I don’t like those things, but my idea of vacationing has changed.  I am sure it has to do with my depleted energy reserves, but its here to stay, this new travelling me.  One thing that has not changed is that I have always liked to go to one place and really get to to know it inside out.  To feeli like I lived there.  To really have a sense of it.  That is one reason I love our NY trips (where we visit our KD’s).  And now we will be going to boston more (they just bought another home there) and I am looking forward to that (and its proximity to the cape). 

When it comes to my “dream” vacation?  The fantasy version involves lots of south asia and asia.  It involves cooking schools, arts workshops in those places and some amazing hiking.  It involves many months and no money worries.  It is the vacation I dream about when my kids are all grown up.  Because I can’t have a vacation fantasy without my child in the picture, and unless he is all grown up (or magically transformed into a well behaved little dude) it has to be a retirement plan.  My dream vacation for now?  Somewhere hot, in the winter time.  Stretches of white sand beach.  turquoise water.  Warm turquoise water.  Tons of fresh fruit.  And fresh fish.  Nothing to worryabout but re-applying sunscreen every 90 minutes.  And some place luxurious.  Beautiful rooms, beautiful pools.  Anonymity and quiet and time to spend reading books, writing, and enjoying my family.  It seems like an unexciting sell out, but that is what would be my dream.

And amazingly, come February, it will be a REALITY!  My dad is takling my whole family to mexico (Rivi*ra M*ya) to a gorgeous delux resort like we would NEVER be able to afford.  He has been wanting to do it for years and we are finally going– my parents, my sister and her partner and the 3 of us…  I have never been so excited for a trip before! 

Three questions, three answers and some whine.  Lots of whine… (I seem to have perked up by the end though.  Though…  I am feeling decidedly less cranky right now…)

I am calmer today.  Not feeling crazy dissapointment and totally just seeing this cycle for what it is:  Its a chance, an opportunity and full of the same possibility as other cycles.  Just because its not going the way I WANTED it to, it doesn’t mean its shot.  Which is how I was feeling yesterday.  I have just gotten myself to a place where I came to believe that some good can come out of all this.  Up to now, I have just felt that this is destined to go nowhere. 

I triggered last night and had the worst pain EVER all night and all morning.  I am still in some serious pain, but less.  I saw my Dr this am when I went to the clinic and he told me that the real problem with the cycle is that its not synchronized– there are so many eggs but they are all at different levels of development.  He said he believes that there are MAYBE 6 good ones in the bunch and that because of that, he didn’t think IVF would be a good use of money at this point in the game.  He also said that if we had not had fresh stuff  (KD, Pav arrives tonight) he would have used the frozen but was hesitant to because the risks of high order multiples is higher.  Esp if he is wrong about the 6 good ones.  I am to spend the next week seriously monitoring myself (weigh ins, fluid watch etc) and drinking only thick liquids to keep away OHSS (anyone know why these are the instructions?)  I am only allowed a cup of clear fluid a day which is going to kill me.  I am a serious water drinker.  But he said that liquid needs to come with fat and protein in order to be ok…  Tonight we inseminate.  And again tomorrow and one last shot thurs before he goes.  The ovulation party has begun (my progesterone is rising) and now I just need to stay positive.  Or at least try..

SO….  In the spirit of keeping busy etc…  I will start answering the questions you have asked (those of you who have).  And I don’t have that much time right now, so I will answer a few a day….  If you have any questions you want to add, do so at any time…  Here I go!

 Olive asked me:

What are your happiest/favorite memories of M (I just love the M stories!)?  I am not sure I have a “happiest” memory.  I have a lot of them.  Seeing him on the u/s when I was 10 weeks pregnant (and when I thought the pregnancy was over) was pretty amazing.  The very last part of labour (the pushing part) when I realized that I was actually doing it– pushing out a baby and becoming a mother– was incredible.  I had a total out of body experience and it felt very spiritual, despite the otherwise medicalized birth.  I was in a daze for a lot of his infant time, but I have a million adorable and hilarious moments from since then.  I don’t think I can isolate a single moment that is my “favorite” because there are a lot and he is hilarious.  Being with him fills me with joy.  And perhaps one of my favorite things to do with him these days is watch him.  Watch him play by himself, watch him in the bath, watch his play dates and hide and peek at him when I pick him up from daycare.  Seeing him be his own person, delight in his friendships and loving living life is something I see a lot from him and maybe, if I had to pick a favorite experience of him, that would be it.  Even if that is kind of cheating (since its not a single identifyable favorite)

What is your favorite way to relax?

I love to do things with my hands.  To use that part of my brain (since I have a computer centred job). Things that fall into this category include: crafting (sewing, making music boxes, painting, scrapbooking), cooking (I love trying new things, and complicated things), and reading (mostly novels).  I also love swimming (specifically in lakes in the summer but pools in the winter are a reasinable facsimile) and water activities (like aquafit).  I also love to be in nature– be in the country. Relaxing comes easily to me (I really appreciate the importance of relaxing and I try and keep it as a part of my daily life.  As a result I am a fairly unstressed person.  Except for the TTC stuff.  That is another story).  I guess my guiltiest pleasures of relaxing would include Pe*ple Magazine and watching TV (Gle*, Gr*y’s Anat*my, H*use…).  Oh, and the occasional vampire story (don’t ask…)

That’s it for today folks…

Back from a brutal visit with the ‘fam.  Glad to be home.  So effing glad.  Except…

Went to the clinic this am for the usual.  Knew it was bad when the u/s tech told me, aver 10 minutes of wanding, that she was ready to “start” and that she estimated it would take another 30 mins to complete the u/s.  Usually 10 minutes is all it takes for me…  40 minutes meant trouble, I knew.  And then afterwards she showed me a list of follicles (some big and some small) in the vicinity of 30 (about 18 of them were at 16 mm or more). 

I spent the morning gearing myself up for a conversion of the cycle.  It was, I believed, the worst possible outcome.  Except it isn’t.  The real worst possible outcome is what I am facing.  I found out that we had to send the frozen goods back.  My progesterone has started to rise which means its too late for a retrieval.  My donor is flying in tomorrow night and we have been instructed to do a fresh cycle, a home insem.  I asked how many eggs were ready to go and was told “certainly 10, but up to 18″.  I almost puked.  I asked whether they thought we should abandon the cycle.  I was told no, that the sperm quality is low enough that it should not be an issue.  She said that of course, there is a risk for “high order” multiples, but that with my doing a home, intravag insem, the risk is very low. 

So while I thought that having to convert the cycle was the worst possible outcome I was wrong.  This is worse.  And the techie who called to tell me all about it then fed me lots of fear of developping OHSS.  And instructed me not to drink water (only milk and thick drinks.  What is that about?  Anyone know?) 

And all I can think about is that if I had come back to Toronto a night earlier, or not gone out of town, this cycle could have converted to IVF. 

A big piece of me is terrified about the thought of inseminating but the DR is not worried so I keep telling myself that maybe I should not be either.  But I am.  And I am worried about OHSS, and about my risk of it becoming ectopic (because there would  be so many eggs in my tubes)…  I am just worried, worried, worried.  I feel terrible and upset.  And when thie weird cycle is over I know I will have to wait out a cycle (rest cycle) before trying again and that frustrates me enormously too.

I wish I had spent a little more time imagining the worst so that I could have been prepared. (for more on this topic see my post with the same title a few posts ago)  And then maybe this would have not been so upsetting or scary.

I seriously have had better days.

So tonight, I take a half dose of my ovadr*ll (not sure why a half– maybe to avoid OHSS?) and tomorrow night and wednesday night/thursday morning we inseminate. 

Big, deep *sigh*.